Thoughts to end 2016

Hey readers, so it’s been a heck of a long time since my last post and I realise it’s not quite December 31st yet but thought I’d get a final post written up before I head back to see the family over the Christmas period!

First of all, sorry for the lack of posts, whether it be related to baking ingrediants or running or my thoughts as a deaf person, things have just been so hectic lately with work, both full time and my charity role, that I’ve been finding myself so tired in the evenings I haven’t had a chance to get involved in anything such as blog writing. It doesn’t help that I get affected slightly by Seasonal Affective Disorder, waking up in the morning when it’s dark and then finishing work and it’s dark, meaning I can’t really get out and about to enjoy running properly. To top it off, I’ve been falling sick a lot because my body is so run down that I’ve just generally been very mardy and not wanting to do things recently.

I’ve always been a moody person at the best of times, my parents put it down to me being a typical Taurus, although I always do my best not to take it out on other people, instead my moods affecting what I do, be it giving up running for a while or not doing any baking, and instead just slobbing in front of the tv. I think one of my problems is that over the past year, I’ve also steadily got more fed up with work, I’ve come to the realisation that I am probably in the wrong job and I need a change. However, my evenings tend to involve checking emails from my charity role which can sometimes take up a few hours, this means I haven’t really got down to looking for other jobs properly. So the vicious circle of being tired and down just seemed to be carrying on.

A few things have happened recently in my personal life in the last month though which has got me to thinking about the direction of my life. One is the death of my uncle from MS, I hadn’t seen them in a while which I feel so guilty for. Listening to my cousin talk about my uncle’s bravery in dealing with this debilitating illness though was inspiring. My uncle approached life with a positiveness and zest that would put a lot of people to shame. So much so that listening to the vicar and my cousin talk about his life, I felt so proud of him. It made me ashamed of myself for moaning about my lot, there are lots of things I should be more grateful for.

Then this week I got the shocking news that a friend of mine was horrifically killed in a hit and run incident. This shocked me to the core as they were the same age as me, and I had become so used to keeping up with their daily life through social media and having the random comments on the state of life in the new world for europe and America, to whether the latest reincarnation of the Doctor in Dr Who that it still doesn’t feel real even now that this has come to a sudden stop. It does feel unfair because my friend was another such positive person who again treated life with a zest and enthusiasm even though they had their own challenges in life. Like me, they felt trapped doing something that they no longer enjoyed properly, but they actually did something about it, choosing to leave their office job and become a personal trainer instead. They were amazing at this job because they had this way of making people push themselves so hard with their smile and encouragement without the need to be all shouty, that wasn’t their way. I found out that on the day that they died, they were due to travel to Berlin with some friends for a long weekend break and that they’d also been making long term plans which they hadn’t announced yet to moving over to Germany for a bit as part of continuing to move on with life and trying new things. I feel so gutted for his family and close friends who he was going to share this adventure with, and can only hope that with time they will be able to move on and carry on with life in the positive attitude he had himself.

For me, these deaths in a short space of time has reminded me that life is so precious and you really never know what is around the corner. I know it sounds corny, but I will be telling my family and friends that I love and appreciate them more often (any of my personal friends who may read this, this is why I may have moments which appear soppy, don’t worry, I won’t all of a sudden start wanting to hug you every time I see you! I will however remind a number of you that you are awesome and that I do appreciate you as being mates).

Something else I will be doing is making more of an effort to make the change in my life to do something I enjoy or at the very least gives me new challenges. I was never a person who could do something I don’t enjoy, in the past I would make changes at the click of the finger. I need to try and lose that fear again of making change in life and not sticking to routine because it is safe, even though I’m not happy. I know that things don’t just fall into your lap and that it is down to you to make sure it happens, but I realise too that I have just become almost content to just moan about life and use too many excuses rather than getting down and sorting it out. I need to realise that life is also not easy and that invariable with everything I juggle job wise that I am going to be tired, but that I need to work through this as this is the only way that change will happen. The difficulty comes from not knowing what I want out of life, but instead of being negative about it, I will instead try and view it as a challenge. If I don’t have any qualifications or skills needed, I will look at seeing what I can do to change this.

With my running, I already have the big 100 mile ultra race in April as my main challenge, but then I think I need to have other runs in mind through 2017 and beyond as I really do want to improve as a runner overall, so watch this space as I look to get involved in more proper races rather than just being a plodder! Having set races in mind will also give me something to aim for. I’ve always been a better runner if I have something concrete to aim for.

I will also make more of an effort to get baking again, as this is something which always helps me to relax and is something I really enjoy doing. I love the challenge of getting the mix just right and sharing it with friends (I only normally have a slice or two for me, honest!). And I will make sure I share these recipes as whenever I post pictures of the final cake on facebook or instagram I get lots of requests!

I’m also going to be more proactive with my blog (I will try to make it sound interesting for you all!) as I find writing is a cathartic feeling. Again, I got into the easy excuse of being tired and not writing anything on those days where I hadn’t done anything exciting as I felt I had nothing worth sharing. One thing I need to do is get into the mindset of when I originally started my blog and not minding writing about my negative days as well as my positive ones. As I’ve not been a blog writer for long, I’ve been trying to decide what kind of blogger I want to be, do I focus on my runs, my baking, ,my deafness…and what audience do I want to attract? But this isn’t important, I’m not in this to be a populist (that’s not to say I don’t appreciate my followers or readers, I do!), ultimately the blog is to help me relax and get my thoughts down instead of holding it all in.Ultimately over time as I write more, I may be comfy in finding my own style. I need to remember, I’m not writing a book (although I have also harboured thoughts of doing exactly that) and that people will choose to follow me or not and that I shouldn’t take it personally¬† on what numbers or not I get, and that ultimately, I’m writing for myself, therefore I am allowed to write about the negative things in life, a good moan is the best way to feel better!

For now though, in case I don’t get the chance to write another post until after Christmas, I wish you all a Happy Christmas whatever you do and whoever you spend it with, and here’s to making 2017 a great one!

 

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